Reminiscing

Do you ever stop loving someone even after they’ve shown you that you don’t mean as much as they claimed

Photo by Meral Avdanlı on Unsplash

Yo. It’s been a long while.

I’ve genuinely wanted to write way before Ramadan, but then one thing or two keeps happening, and at some point I didn’t even know what to start with anymore. I wanted to write about the so-called “Christian genocide” in Nigeria, back it with data, and trace where it actually started, and then when the US troops arrived to “help us,” I wanted to break down what their real interest is, because illegal mining doesn’t stop being illegal just because nobody’s talking about it. Then a few days after our uniformed messiahs landed, Muslims started dying during Ramadan. Some while still fasting. Some mid-prayer in the mosque. Then I wanted to write about the president and the economy since he took office. Then I went to a women’s event, successful women o, the kind that get invited to panels, and 95% of them were convinced that women are women’s biggest enemies because one woman somewhere once blocked their promotion. And I’m sitting there like, what if she just didn’t like you? As a person? What if it had nothing to do with gender at all?

I didn’t write any of it.

I also wanted to write about my best friend, the most constant thing in my life for the last four or five years. That one is actually a good story. I’ll save it.

Tonight though, something else has been sitting with me.

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This night I’ve been reminiscing.

At what point do you actually break up with someone you think you have something real with? Like genuinely real, the kind where even when everything outside is falling apart, they’re still who you want to be around. At what point do you decide that’s not enough reason to stay?

Do you leave while you’re still in love?

Because I don’t understand that part. I don’t understand how you go from planning a future with someone to them becoming your past. The timeline doesn’t make sense no matter how many times I sit with it.

And here’s the thing, you can tell me I’m one of the best things in your life. I’ll hear it. I’ll probably believe it. But there are ways you just don’t treat people you love, and it’s not even a long list. You don’t say all the right things and then move through life in ways that quietly prove none of it.

And I’m genuinely confused; do you ever stop loving someone even after they’ve shown you that you don’t mean as much as they claimed? Is that even how it works? Or do you just leave with the love still on you, like something you can’t put down no matter how heavy it gets?

Is there a possibility of meeting someone like them again? Maybe the universe will be kind enough to send you someone even better, but that thought feels like a betrayal of whatever this was, doesn't it? Because you don't even want someone better. You want this to have been enough. Maybe the universe will; maybe not.

I don’t have an answer. I just have this night.

Free Palestine.

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This writing feels subpar; i feel like i can do better, but do you deserve the better?